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Patterson Hood
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Uncle Phil & Aunt Phyllis In The Month After The Election
Lyricist:David Barbe, David Michael Hood, Patterson D Hood, Bradley S Morgan, Johnny Neff
Uncle Phil and Aunt Phyllis started speaking again finally They're not exactly newlyweds, although they once did Appear on the hit TV show with that title They didn't win, but came home with a toaster oven That they used daily until that unfortunate mishap a few years back
When they met Phil was a Vietnam War protester in DC For a rally outside the Pentagon She was there marching for women's rights She set fire to her bra outside the hotel Where they both happened to be staying
She was actually just practicing, as her raising had Never taught her such things and she wanted to make sure That she got it right in case Walter Cronkite happened to be there
In the end, she never knew, because the massive flame From her ample cup sizes set fire to some debris behind the hotel Starting a chain reaction that ended up evacuating the place And causing 3 battalions of firemen to miss their dinner For Phil, it was love at first sight
They married and tried in vain to have children Boy did they try, their attempts were sometimes so feverous And rowdy that they were often evicted It was around this time that they switched from dogs to cats
As Phyllis' dog kept thinking that Phil was hurting her And would jump on the bed and bite Phil on the ass As they went at it like wild pigs in heat
The cats were certainly disgusted by all of this But were much too disinterested in anyone's well being To try to interfere, eventually they adopted little Chang But he wasn't much of a talker
Later still, during those zany Jimmy Carter years They, as folks with good intentions sometimes do Moved to Florida to be closer to Phil's family Unfortunately within 6 months all of Phil's family there died And they were left stranded in that godforsaken place
Phyllis always said she loved living near the water But I don't think she has actually seen the beach in at least 22 years Between her migraines and her psoriasis and Phil's cholesterol level Somehow worshipping the sun has lost its appeal
Chang got a full scholarship to some almost ivy-league school And was never seen again, Phyllis was and still is a secretary For a very rich but mysterious Floridian That she likes to hint works for the mob
Phil worked his 9 to 5 daily grind until that massive coronary Now he just sits around and eats, no doubt hoping to finish The job that medical science interfered with Phyllis likes to eat too, adding a good 200 pounds to her Already ample frame
Phyllis does still love her liberal causes She once got so worked up watching President Clinton speak That she defied her menopause and began menstruating Uncontrollably for 16 days straight
She ended up in the Emergency Room and The National Enquirer That was before all of the sex scandals That later so captured the collective attentions
But Phyllis nonetheless stood by her man through Thick and thin and even went out and found a blue dress Just like that blue dress, knowing it would be available in her size
In fact, instead of being offended by the moral implications of it all She took great pride and comfort in knowing that Her Bill didn't discriminate against women of size
For Phil, all of this is just proof that the end is near And good riddance, last Saturday he passed an entire 12 pound Thanksgiving turkey out his ass Find more lyrics at ※ Mojim.com For about 46 hours it had been lodged somewhere in his Intestinal track and he refused to go to the hospital
Friday evening he began dilating, Saturday morning The water broke, and we all knew the end was eminent Phyllis had always hated that living room rug And now she was getting a new one
When Reagan was first elected in 1980 Phil and Phyllis and young Chang all retreated into an abyss of New age religion and philosophy
They hoped that by purifying their existences They could perhaps mantra him out of office And further the causes that suddenly seemed lost
It was around 1983 when Phil started having chest pains And on November of the next year Phyllis was mortified To find out that the man she had married and loved so for 14 years Had voted against the Mondale ticket
It was only a matter of time before they were sleeping In separate bedrooms and eating their breakfasts in near silence Phil began listening to talk radio all day and night And would quote it to her whenever she walked by
Phyllis had a brief, but meaningless affair with a golf caddy Named Pedro that she met at the Publix while picking up dry goods For her employers' hurricane shelter
Phil, its been said hasn't had an erection since 1985 But he did buy a really fast Mazda and can be heard playing Don Henley tapes at full volume as he squeals around The curves of their suburban hellhole
This year Phyllis volunteered for the Edwards campaign So she was elated when he was chosen as running mate She found Kerry to be a little dry and stoic Certainly not the magnetic sex machine of her beloved Bill
But she liked his wife's spunky nature and way of pissing people off With her words and opinions, so putting in a few hours On the phones was the least she could do
Phil put a W sticker on his new RX8 and joined Veterans Against Kerry even though he himself had narrowly escaped The draft and had pledged to move to Canada if otherwise
He would spend his days on his computer Sending e-mail after e-mail to friends and family members Extolling the latest feats of our hero in The White House And making fun of Michael Moore's waist line (Who incidentally actually favors Uncle Phil quite a bit)
On Election Day eve Phyllis made Phil his favorite casserole Laced with enough Xanax to leave him comatose for at least 3 days Phil however was suspicious and fed most of it to their cats Rendering them all unconscious for a week and a half
He retaliated by hiding her dentures and rearranging the wires To the distributor cap on Aunt Phyllis' Taurus He left for the polling station at the crack of dawn Leaving her still snoring on the Tempurpedic
In the end they both successfully cancelled each other's votes They stayed up all night watching the vote counts Come in on separate TV sets, he, of course watched his on FOX News Which was his main source of information about the world
She mistrusted mainstream media and aimed her satellite Towards some wayward Canadian channel so that she could Watch free from American right wing bias
When Kerry called Bush to concede, she ate all of the Leftover casserole herself, hoping to sleep through the next 4 years But by Thursday she was back at work with a pharmaceutical Hangover and a bad case of indigestion
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